Writers in the Storm often supply good lessons. This is a particularly cogent first-page critique that takes aim at some my worst foibles: too many metaphors, authorial intrusions, details readers don’t need, details they do need–what about you? How would you rate this first page?
Check out these ideas and examples for building rhythm and coherence in your writing through the use of parallel structure to add detail.
Use “absolutes” to cut back on “to be” verbs in progressive tenses, and build your voice as well.